Consequences of cabin fever

Oh splendid, splendid reader. You are the delightful surprise at the end of lull-inducing day.

I do a lot of self examination. (Nothing too deep otherwise I'll find something about myself that disgusts me).

 Life has been quite interesting for me. I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I want my last year at WashU to be like and what I'd like to spend my last year doing.

And I've come to a conclusion: I want to spend my last year doing things that I love! Now, this is all rather relative because I can only do things that I love once I've gotten past doing things that I may not love. Ejemplo: I'd love to spend every moment singing, dancing or acting, but in order for that to happen, I have to do hw so I don't fail out of school.

However, there just isn't enough time in the day to do all that. What to do?? This is where I am now. How in the world is it possible to get all this done?

-----Also, I've become rather pessimistic these past few days. It's quite the problem. I barely even notice it either, that's how bad it is. I know when it started, but I can't credit that one incident to my recent outlook on life. Story: I read an article in StudLife today about how WashU's ranking dropped from being 13th to 14th (essentially breaking the tie between itself and another university). My reaction was to laugh. I laughed at what I thought was a stupid system of grading universities and how trivial this article seemed. I also attributed this decline to the students at the school. I feel like each year is less intelligent than the previous...or are we all just kidding ourselves in our level of intellectualism? But really though. The people here don't seem that much more intelligent that people I know elsewhere who attend non-ranked universities. -------

I have cabin fever and I want to get out. So badly. People at WashU are making me so upset it's crazy. I've never felt this way before and I hope it goes away otherwise I'mma get a 4.0 and peace out without doing much or enjoying my last year. I kinda don't care at this moment. I really just don't care. Unfortunately.

I may have dug too deep.

Let's be honest with ourselves....

Student-Morning-Dread syndrome

"Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom."

I'm a senior in college!!! 3 years of experience under my belt and you would think I've figured it all out.

False. 

I woke up early and the first thing I felt was fear and disdain for my lifestyle as a student (late nights, early mornings, half-baked assignments, no breakfast, 4 hours of work ahead, strange smells in the kitchen etc). Those emotions, for me, create a cycle of being stuck and not knowing or desiring to move forward. I hate those moments. What makes it worse is when I can't catch a break to figure it all out. When I have that break, I just want to sleep (but really though). I call this the SMD (Student-Morning-Dread) syndrome. Define it however you like.

Passion Moments

Hi.

Don't know who exactly is on the receiving end of this blog, but I just wanted to put this out there.

I'm in a funk.

Yes, that is correct. In a really sticky funk that hasn't allowed me space or time to study for my finals. It's the type of funk that gnaws where it hurts, almost enough to cry in exasperation, but instead you begin fumming or whining because enough is enough.You'd rather forget that you're in a funk that work your way out of it.

That's where I am. At this very moment. In a funk.

Now this funk, mind you, was not doing, nor do I want to stay within its hold any longer 'cause I really need to get to work.

"What is this funk?" you ask. Good question. Answer?

                   It's about my future. Yea, my future. The future that I thought I knew about since when I was 6 years old and proclaimed myself a lawyer. What went wrong?

(By writing about this funk, I am not truly dealing with it. I'll do that when my mom calls back. She doesn't realize how sticky this funk is.)

I am just tired of thinking that I know what I want to know and then looking around me and realizing I don't. I usually comes after seeing someone else that appears to have their life all worked out. That used to be me. I used to know what exactly I wanted to know, and if I didn't, I faked it. I did and it worked to keep me together until recently.

I don't want to fake it anymore, but I've lost so much of what I do want to do that faking it is all/almost all I know. I had sworn off being a lawyer because it was not my decision. Everyone said I'd do something great and I want to do that something, but it's so hard when I'd rather just live in a different country and help little children to make better lives for themselves.

I'm a complex person. I don't make sense, but to me it all makes sense. I'm confused. I'm really confused. What went wrong? God, what went wrong.

I'm done. I can't even finish this blog.

God, I just want to finish this paper and take my exams. I am tired of the funk. Cause it sucks...really badly.