As a Christian, one of the things that is always on my mind is how to better live a Christ-pleasing life. What can I do today to make my Father in heaven pleased or in what way can I share His love with someone today? I can usually spot small gestures here and there, but usually end up doing things that anyone, Christ seeking or not, would do.
Story:
After many hours of sitting at the train station in Amtrak, I was gazing off into the shuffle of people waiting for the moment when I could pack my load and hop on the train bound for STL. It was then that I saw an elderly man asking for money, but didn't really have anything to offer him so I ignored his pleas for extra change. My eyes then wandered slowly to the Deli that was situated neatly along the furthest wall of the station's grand waiting area. I thought, "Since I don't believe money is the best I can give, why not buy him a meal instead?" Resolved, I turned to call his attention, but found that he was far from me and I was not about to leave my luggage. I figured that I'd catch up with him later on my way out while he made his rounds.
Long story short, I found him, bought him a substantial meal (so I thought). He wasn't fully content with a simple sandwich so he asked for coffee, an egg, and a fruit cup. I smiled and let him decide on what to get. I was glad to be able to help and that God had placed me in a place to give this man what he wanted. As I was leaving, he called me back. He thanks me and asks if I could further contribute to his collection plate so he could get food tomorrow.
For some reason, I became indignant. I eyed his collection of dollars he had in his hand and then gently snapped. "Haven't you been collecting money? What do you plan to use that for?" He responds with an answer that I found lacking: "Well, I just need money for coffee tomorrow. Could you give me some?" My retort was less than pleasing to say or hear: "I just paid $12 for your meal and you're asking me to give you more money! Sorry, I can't do that. You have money so you can use that."
None of that was in love. I was angry. Angry that he had the nerve to ask me for more money and angry that I had actually spent $12 on a stranger when I limit my own meals to $10. I then stalked out of the establishment with less than enough in my stomach to warrant a complete rage--it would consume too much of my energy.
--After reading Matthew 6:1-4, I realized that yes, I am capable of doing "good deeds" that make me sacrifice for others, but what am I doing it for? I know I wasn't going to go around bragging, but something inside me still wasn't in the right place. I had given to the needy, but my humility wasn't in check. I never thought that I would be the one to not talk the walk.--
So where do I go from here?: 1) Die to myself everyday. I can't profess to be following Jesus if I'm dwelling in my human nature and making things work out for me the way I want them to be. 2) Ask God to continually pull me into places of unease. When I better realize that I am to be used by Him, then I know that this has nothing to do with me or my places of comfort. 3) Seek forgiveness when I miss the mark.
I missed the mark, but my Father is gracious and loving.
-Ife 'Quipayan' S.
